In The Mail

To My Dearest Ebbie,

I can't believe what happened to you. Are you sure your guildmates harrassed you the other night? Or did you just have a bad case of Long Island Iced Tea overdose again? Didn't I tell you to always remain sober before and after a dungeon raid? Some random guy might pick you up and... that's it Ebbie. If you keep saying you're in danger from those guys, transfer guilds. Heck, I could even write you a recommendation letter into the Doraemon guild!

However, if you wish to remain and put up with it, I will respect your decision as your brother. I know you're a strong woman Ebbie, so carry the Tartareus family name around with pride, as we are the first generation in a line of Tempura Warriors! That's right Ebbie, we should start our own organization of knights. We should call it the Order of Tempura or something similar to that!

We would be the warriors of justice, and the bane of all malice if we form something like that. My cool poses during battle should stifle the enemy into thinking if we're really worth fighting!That's how our fighting style should be: flashy, fast, and most of all, DASHING. Every heroic warrior is dashing in a way, am I right?

Anyway, I found something weird the other day when I got trapped in the mail. Yes Ebbie, in the mail. I was looking for a package that I was about to send to you with the wrong address and the next thing you know, I got trapped in this box. I was cramped inside this box with hundreds of packages and letters put together. I lost track of time while inside that box, so in order to nourish myself, I looked for packages inside the box that smelled like food and ate them.

My glowing sword proved useful as a light, so as I spent my days confined in that little box, I just read all sorts of letters and saw all sorts of packages with food inside. Most of the food I've eaten were breadrolls and slices of cake. Thankfully there were some apples and water inside as well. Don't ask me what I had to do when I had to urinate or defecate while inside that darn box.

Eventually I came across this weird form that many people use for something called a "Social Networking Bulletin". It's this common bulletin board in town where people post news, stuff about themselves and ridiculous survey questions that no one really seems to care about. I think it was called FaceBulletin or something. Funny thing about this was it had a weird set of questions, and the envelope was purple.

For fun, I answered the questions that were inside that envelope. As you read all the way to the end, you'll get an idea who made this tasteless survey. Oh, and I also found a similar letter that a Swamp Monster filled up. (I could tell from the smell.) I compared the answers with mine:

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This had the title: ARE YOU WORTHY TO BE CONSIDERED ELGA'S MINION?

1. Thank you for applying at Elga Minion Manpower Consultancy and Services. First of all, are you a Dragonican or a monster?

Mine: Dragonican.

Swamp Monster: GAFLARGBLARGHBLARGH *fart* (MONSTER!!!)

2. Let's begin with a few simple questions. Are you in good physical condition?

Mine: Yes. *flex*

Swamp Monster: *fart*

3. Being a minion of Elga is very tough work. Are you prepared to get beaten up by countless adventurers who do not care about your well-being?

Mine: I suck at PVP anyway so I guess it's okay.

Swamp Monster: *sad fart*

4. What would you consider your best asset during an invasion?

Mine: My looks will knock all the ladies down! ;D

Swamp Monster: BLARGHGARFLARG! (I throw poop.)

5. Would it be alright if we stuck the Evilizer up your arse and made you evil? (No, the fruit thing with Paris and the Orc Brothers was a lie.)

Mine: WTF? That's how they became evil??? The fruit thing was a lie!

Swamp Monster: *fart*

6. Do you have any experience in roaming around aimlessly and waiting for an adventurer to beat you up?

Mine: These questions are getting more ridiculous by the minute...

Swamp Monster: BLARGH! BLARGHGHGH! (YES! YES!)

7. And finally, a problem solving question. Lord Elga sent 3 minions to attack 2 adventurers and 1 fighter fell from each side. 2 more adventurers arrived at Lord Elga summons 2 more. WHAT IS PARIS' BOOB SIZE???

Mine: WTF. That question made no sense at all! And Paris' boob size is hard to describe.

Swamp Monster: *farrrrrrrrrt*

Thank you for answering our form. We hope to see you in our ranks once you pass our screening process. If successful, you get a 1 gold signing bonus on your contract and a free Evil Doughnut!

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As for me, I got out of that box eventually. I also had to take a bath for 12 hours because of the stench I've accumulated while inside.

Stay safe Ebbie.

From Your Dear Brother,

Prawnt

P.S. I got a letter the day after that. It told me I was qualified enough to be Elga's Minion! I just lol'd.